I will leave my name out of this post due to my shame for what I have done. When I was 17yrs old I decided that civilian life was dull and I still feel that way. I enlisted through the National Guard of my state because they offered a program called split op that allowed me to join at 17. I went through all the stuff that all new recruits do and performed my VERY best at BCT and AIT. I graduated at Ft Benning as an Infantryman. Throughout my time there I received letters from my mother about my fathers mistreatment of her, he WAS an abusive, alcholic and beat her everyday. She often talked about suicide and how she had now idea how to escape. She begged me to help her find a way to protect herself. My father, was a very good father to his childeren, he provided for us he kept us feed, and clothed and sheltered. He loved us and dedicated his life to us. He had one flaw and that was alcohol. When he drank he was violent, never towards us kids but to my mother, when he was sober you could tell he loved my mother, he treated her like a queen. In my early childhood up until the point I turned 15 (or there abouts) he rarley got into confrontations with her and they lived a generally peacful marriage. But in 2006 while hanging out with a neighbor and the neighbors friend drinking, the neighbors friend made a remark about my sisters (7,13,16yrs of age). He said "I would love to take your daughters home and....." you get the picture. My father being that man he is was furious, after beating the man half to death he went home, and so did the neighbors friend. That same night my father forced his way into this mans house, tied him up in his own basment and tortured the guy for 3 days, cutting off 3 of the mans fingers in the process, breaking his jaw, and eyesocket, which forced the mans eye to become dislodged severing his optic nerve. After the third day my Dad untied him and returned home, allowing this man to live. Eventually the cops came to our door and arrested my father. Thanks to the reasons and my fathers great lawyer he only had to serve 6 months in prision before being freed. However, he now has a criminal record, unable to find work and depressed and after a doctors appointment learned of a cancerous tumor in his hip the size of an orange. This led my father to drinking everyday, all day, and all night, very VERY abusive to my mother and at this point me when I tried to protect her. So 2 years pass of this going on almost daily and I decide I want to leave for the Army Nat'l Guard for the reasons stated earlier. I get their signatures so that I can join and I am off to Ft.Benning. After the numerous letters from my mother, I finally build up the strength to call one sunday when we had phone privlages. Her words still bother me to this day,: Son, why did you abandon me, I dont know what to do. If i leave he will kill me, if I stay he will kill me. Maybe I should just end it to save everyone the trouble". Then she hung up and I was unable to make another phone call. I waited another week, no letters, no answer. Then another, and another then finally a letter. "Son, I love you. I am sorry if I worried you. I just broke. Your father and I will make it through, I just need to try to be a better wife. It is all my fault"........This enraged me deep inside but I repressed it to make it through Sandhill. After graduating BCT (splitoption seperated BCT and AIT into two years) I went home to finish Highschool senior year. The abuse continued, my father and I got into countless fights most of them ending in me on top, but It hurt me to hit my father and I was ready to leave once again. Finally, my time for AIT came and I was off back to Ft.Benning F/2-19. Again like clockwork the letters of my mother begging me for some sort of releif (like I could do anything), I repressed it, I told her to run, to hide, to call the cops, to fight back. I made it through AIT and graduated in front of the Infantry Museum in 2009. Went home and 3 days later was with my new Unit. Being in the ARNG I was able to hold another job, while reporting to drill once a month and doing my annual 2 week training once a year. Time went on and I moved out of my parents house at 19 years old and worked selling fireworks as a seasonal job, where I met my future wife. The very moment I saw my wife my friends that I worked with laughed at me and said,"We have never seen you smile EVER, and your even blushing" (they said it a bit differently like freinds do). I told them " I think I just met my wife". They laughed like anyone would do in that situation. Time went on and we started dating and moved in with each other after only a month of knowing one another. Months passed and October came along. October was the month we did our AT so I was going to have to leave for 2 weeks. I arrived at Camp Perry for our training. A week went by and then I got a phone call. "Im leaving, I think this is just moving too fast and it scares me. I know you love me but its just not healthy to love someone as much as that". I asked her to please just wait until I got home before she made any decisions. She told me she would think on it overnight and mentioned that I also recieved a letter in the mail from one of my really old friends that I joined the Army with along with 4 others . I asked her to open it and read it to me. To make it short the letter said that 3 of the 5 people I joined with and have been friends with since highschool were killed in a car accident. On top of her threatening to leave me, my friends dying, and my mothers situation I feel into the worst pit of depression in my life, I instantly wanted to die. I contemplated sucide while at Camp Perry. My team leader who I will call "C" noticed this, either by my face or my unusual behavior and asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him my situation and made the statment that I just feel like dying. HE reported this up the line and they pulled me aside, eventually allowing me to leave to handle my business. What follows is why I AM ASHAMED. I got home and begged my GF not to leave and to just stick it out and see how it goes, she finaly agreed and asked me to Drink with her, which I initally rejected because Alcohol colouds my judgment just like my fathers, but she talked me into it. The night started off alright, alot of drinking, and things that drunk teenagers of the opposite sex do until she started telling me about her ex boyfriend. After repeated attempts to tell her to change the subject I snapped. I told her that she should leave, that I should have never came home, that she could pack up her **** right then and there and Get the hell out of my house. She called her friend to come help her and when her friend came up to our house, she had a tire iron in her hand which just threw me the rest of the way over the edge. I threw all her stuff over the balcony, out the window, including her car keys, tv, playstation, clothes, sofa etc. The cops were called and I was arrested. I spent 12 days in jail. eventually as time passed we forgave each other and moved back in and just like my mother and father our relationship was holding on by a string at best. In order for you to understand this next part you need to understand how much I love this woman, I would without hesitation die for her, kill for her, steal for her, GIVE UP MY PRINCIPLES FOR her. Every month when I went to drill she would pull the same ****, im leaving, ill be gone when you get home, dont look for me etc. I would come home to an empty house only for her to show back up a day or two later asking me to forgive her, and I always did. It got to the point where with this happening every month I left, my mother asking..beggin for help that I was afraid to go to drill. My mindstate was If i go to drill, my girl will leave me or my mother will kill herself. So I did the one thing I NEVER though I would do. I stopped going, to keep tabs on my woman (looking back at my 19yr old self now, it was pitiful) and make sure my mother stayed alive (it became a daily thing trips back and forth to my moms). I just stopped going to drill, stopped reporting, stopped calling, JUST completley and uterly stopped. I abanondoned the ONE thing I always wanted to do. Serve my Country with hopes of eventually swithcing to active duty. I FUCKED UP the one and ONLY dream of mine, the only thing I wanted to do and still the only thing I want to do. I went AWOL and fucked up my chances at serving my country, I threw my pride and values aside to protect and keep the ones I loved. The other day, I got a letter int he mail. I opened this big envelope and saw a manilla certificate inside. It was an HONORABLE, discharge certificate. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW. All I want to do is go back and rejoin now that my father got help with his alchol problem and my girl is now my wife, and we have been going strong for years now without so much as a hiccup. I want to serve my country and redeem my pride and honor. I am ashamed of myself, but am also not blind to the fact that if I stayed my wife wouldnt be my wife and my mother wouldnt be alive, and my father would be in prision. I am afraid to go to a recruiter and be rejected or find out there was a mistake in paperwork.I am at a loss. I am in a pit of despair and it is getting deeper everyday. I am not afraid to die for my coutntry, I am not afraid to fight, I am not afraid to leave. I was a dumb kid with no life experience who made dumb choices and as an adult I want to correct them but I dont know how.